WHEN THE PLAN WAS NEVER MADE: CARING FOR AN ADULT SIBLING WITH MENTAL ILLNESS

Families don't often plan for what happens when caregiving for an adult child with mental illness falls into the hands of siblings - yet that day arrives more often than many realize -quietly, painfully, and often without a plan.

This is the story of Steven and Brian. But it’s also the story of thousands of families caught in the complexity of aging, mental illness, and the consequences of not planning.

A Lifetime of Delay

Steven is 63 years old. He never moved out of the home he shared with his parents. Despite earning both a bachelor’s and master’s degree, he was never able to hold steady employment. His parents, ever hopeful, rationalized his struggles as temporary: ‘The job market is bad,’ ‘Florida's different,’ ‘He just needs a break.’

But that break never came.

Meanwhile, his younger brother, Brian, thrived. A successful attorney with a family of his own, Brian often urged his parents to seek help for Steven or put a plan in place. But every conversation was dismissed. The result? Resentment grew between the brothers. Steven was given the impression that he’d always be taken care of, and Brian watched his concerns fall on deaf ears.

What neither son knew was that their father had lost most of the family’s savings in high-risk investments before he died, leaving Steven with no financial safety net.

After Their Parents Were Gone

Their father passed away first. After their mother died in 2019, Brian felt compelled to step in. Despite their complicated history, he tried to be involved in Steven’s life, checking in as Steven managed his own complex health issues, including in-home dialysis.

Steven insisted he was fine.

He handled his bills, his care, and the home on his own until Brian discovered a shocking truth: The house had been in foreclosure since 2019. Steven had never mentioned it.

Fortunately, COVID-related court delays gave Brian a window to intervene. But Steven, fearing loss of control, repeatedly refused help. “I don’t want anyone having authority over me,” he said. The truth? He was dangerously close to homelessness, with no money, no plan, and declining health.

The Caregiver Nobody Planned For

This is not an uncommon story.

In families where a child has a serious mental illness or special needs, caregiving typically falls to the parents. As time goes on, those parents age, and often, so does the child who still depends on them. But what happens when the parents are gone?

Too often, nothing.

No plan.
 

No legal documents.


No clear plan for who takes over, or what happens next.
Just chaos, grief, and crisis.

Siblings like Brian are left scrambling, emotionally torn between a sense of duty and the weight of a burden they never agreed to carry.

The Critical Conversations Every Family Must Have

In our work supporting families in these complex situations, we always come back to one truth:

Planning ahead is not optional, it’s essential.

Families must be willing to talk honestly about the future, especially when a child has serious mental illness or will require lifelong support.

Here are the questions that must be asked:

1. Have you discussed who will take over caregiving once you’re gone or unable to help?

2. Where will your adult child live when you’re no longer able to support them?

3. Can you afford to provide for both your own ageing needs and theirs?

4. What resources, if any, will be left to sustain your child’s care long term?

5. Have you executed proper legal documents?

• Special Needs Trust

• Power of Attorney

• Guardianship

6. How does your estate plan impact your other children? Will they feel unfairly burdened or uninformed?

7. Do you have a trusted team to help guide these decisions?

• Aging Life Care Professional

• Elder Law or Special Needs Attorney

• Guardianship Attorney

• Financial Planner with special needs experience

• Estate Planning Attorney

It’s Never Too Early. But It Can Be Too Late.

No one wants to plan for death or disability, especially when it involves a child who has always struggled. But avoiding the topic doesn’t make it go away, it simply pushes the pain forward to someone else.

And that someone may be your other child. The one you never intended to burden. The one who is already juggling their own family, career, and life. The one who may not be equipped—or willing—to step in when the time comes.

Your Family Deserves Better

Planning isn’t just about legal documents and finances. It’s about peace of mind, protecting relationships, and ensuring your child is cared for with dignity and stability without creating avoidable trauma for others.

You don’t have to do it alone.

Let’s Talk About the Future—Before It Becomes a Crisis

If you're a parent of an adult child with mental illness, or a sibling like Brian trying to make sense of an unexpected responsibility, now is the time to act.

Start the conversation.


Build the right team.


Create a care plan that works.

Because when the plan is never made, the consequences fall hardest on the ones left behind.

Need help starting?


We guide families like yours every day through the complexities of long-term planning, guardianship, care coordination, and crisis management. Contact us today to learn how we can help make a plan that works for you and your loved one.